“How are you?” I was asked by my friend and sponsor this weekend. I was almost taken back by my reply as I was the realization I had at the same moment. “I am just great! My situation is dire, but I am great.” Pause… Did I just say that with perfect honesty and without hesitation? Yes, yes I did…amazing.
The reason why it is so amazing to me is that I am a worrier normally. I recently had to give the budget and bills back over to my wife to spare me the stress, Doctor’s orders. So at times like this, when rent is due by the end of the day and the wheels of desperation spin faster. I am not winding myself up along with my situation, that is amazing and fantastic. A real difference from the old me that I wanted changed. I am residing in this almost calm serenity, knowing that I am doing all that I can, if it is supposed to work out it will, if not, it won’t. Yeah, I am not going to lie to anyone, I m scared as heck, but that fear or being scared is only for the unknown part of this, which I will address when it comes. The promises of the program, that knowing how to handle situations that used to baffle us bit is very real and showing itself in my life.
With anxiety about School at my age and the systematic problems and anxieties that come with just doing the do, I am better than my expectations would have told me. So that anxiety is being replaced with hope and an excitement that I may after all not be too damaged to continue this reformatting of my life. If I could just take that one monetary aspect off of the table, I would be absolutely glowing like a lightning bug. That is going to have to wait as well, as college and classes are the start of taking care of that end of things.
So the writing is going well, and the mathematics is starting to coalesce inside my brain cell. That amazing survivor that is holding me together with superhuman efforts. The mystery of the math scripts are starting to look like a language I can learn, and understand. I used to say that if you don’t know the language, then you don’t know the people; Then if you don’t know the people, you don’t know the food. Mathematics is kind of like that right now for me, a lot of Greek and some English mixed in. This is not a feeling that I am used to, I am/was? Always someone who waited for the next shoe to drop whether there were reason to do so or not. Promises… They were made to me a long time ago, and since I kept my promises to myself, they came true and are coming true for me every day, every month, every situation. I can’t wait to see what I believe in next year, as long as it is growth… I’ll take it and continue this… Life’s Reformatting.