Yes, there is a certain amounts of life that just happens, and there are certain amounts that you aspire to.
When I was pulled over on that September night back in 2011, I was at my end of ends. My jig was up and the escapism and self destruction came down to a set of lights behind me. I wanted to cry when it happened, not because I was going to jail and getting into legal trouble. It was because I realized my screams for help would finally at least in some way be heard. Well they were, I can say that and I have been gifted quite an array of new worlds before me.
I am an artist, and actor, a writer, and a performer, I craft and create and find solutions to a list of problems I could never have before. So when it came down to the education part of this, that part that I knew I had to continue for my own reasons, my own scientific testing that I like to think I do well; but in reality shoot darts at it like anyone else. I fell right back into old thinking and old boxes put in front of me, yes, my foot fits in there, but I shouldn’t get stuck pondering the significance while I am trying to move myself forward. The next indicated action is not always showing itself as obviously as it had before and I am finding a leap of faith involved in much of it. So as much as I know what to do, I am sometimes at a lack of the ways to go about it except just doing the next thing.
Like this last week with myself being numb at life’s curveballs to the groin. I was numb and not myself, yet I still went to work and through the motions because that is what the next action was. Forget the fact that once again I was a walking zombie of some kind. So they sent me home, I really want to do a good job, but I have to say that I must appear to them as a real flake right about now. The same goes for my instructors, who probably think that I am some kind of special case, because the evidence so far is I am Mr. Drama. While at every step of the way, I really don’t have a life to get too dramatic about. Oh the pylons of the personal foundations that get gelatinized when some parts of life hit too close and the other parts get a free pass, an apathy ticket or a deep well injection.
In grazing through the thoughts, and eating up a few of the weeds I am sustained in my slow walk to being that part of me that I was before, and also that person I am today. I can’t wait to see if I just can’t slow walk myself to my own version of Superman. No powers to speak of except an example of a new beginning and someone that holds onto that last thread, that last gossamer frailty of hope… In a new world.