A friend of mine brought up a good question, and one that parlays into what I am going through these days as well. While I will edit the wording, he asked “What does Un-F^&ked feel like? At first a skim over the senses and a properly witted response followed. The remembering my place in all of this universe, and as a person who dives deeper than most into these everyday conundrums of thought, while in recovery; It went deeper, much deeper.
I know that I have some degree of insight into this thing that is us humans, and I have a degree of it into the minds of the addicted and mind addled as well. I am a very complex person who is also very F^&ked up, to borrow the term. When he reiterated the same line again, I had to pause and think of what I am going through right now, because it kind of feels like what he was trying to get at. At least I came to see it after it had begun, and it spooked me to a degree I am still trying to figure out. My brother said that I had learned acceptance, and others have spoken of similar things about the promises etc… I just know that one side of me is in absolute chaos, with worry and grief, financial liabilities and all manner of phobias and fears. Yet the one that I find myself in is the one that is calm and able to respond to those outliers and inside wars and be able to catalogue them appropriately.
I am not blowing smoke up a blog readers butt either, this just happened to me and when I found myself noticing it, I was already in some sort of a state of grace. My landlord is about to kick us out again for the umpteenth time since he bought the place. My phone is about to be turned off, my business is sitting because of sheer distance, and my health took a turn South again at the worst time for this psyche. All the while I started school again, and a very part time job, just to see what I could do anymore. My medication list reads an entire page length and I am sporting all of 148 pounds on a 6’2” frame. Things are seemingly not well for me, I should be absolutely freaking out, trying to massage and manipulate something to my likings. I realized today as I was cleaning the parking lot at home that I allowed my situations to manipulate me, manipulate who I was and how I acted. That those things about me that were made and created to use people and situations as a surgeons toolkit, I can get this, yeahhhh.
Well now, after all of these years of Judo moves to throw myself down on my own proverbial Psychiatrist’s chair, I was caught off guard when I found the methodology working, even without me actively aware of it. I have found myself calm, and able to put onto the shelves the proper amount of worry, the proper amount of care. I can take a lot of those items that used to dictate my behavior and shove them into the areas they belong, not give credence to, and just clean up or take out the trash. No, everything’s not perfect and pechy, and I do not see the world through rose colored glasses. Although I do see a sneak peek at an entirely new way of thinking altogether, and with that a new life of joy, and accomplishments made only to please my heart. That pink cloud was fine and poked open a small pinhole of light onto this bigger picture. The lessons I carried over these last five and half years have taught me, and I didn’t even really know it until the promises that I used to scoff at came true. I wasn’t even aware of it, I am still going upstream in a bucket, but I am not in the bucket. I am fine, on dry land and with a spate of friends and wonders before me. I am not uncomfortable in my own skin, and that in itself is an incredible feeling, the wholeness touching the boundaries of the flesh, and the world once more is wondrous and new.
As an “Old Man” going to school with younger students and even instructors, it is nice to walk the halls with that sense of accomplishment that I have lasted all of those years between them and me now, messed it all up, and yet here I am. A gratitude for the simplest of things and a complete feeling of being un F^&ked and allright, scared and nervous, but not blowing up how I am because my situation dictates something different to this head of mine. So I am allowed to be me, not my situation, not my feels, but just me. In finding that part of it all another pinhole, and another outlook onto the life that I not only see before me, but behind me as well. I just had to bother to not shut the door on it, but look at it again as a garden that still can feed and give me this day my daily bread.
I can’t explain what it feels like, that is subjective I am sure. I can describe the surprise when I found it in myself when I was least expecting it. Cheers 🙂