Conundrum

Well, in my first week of school and a job that both started on the 18th, I have a huge infection burst open and toxify my experience for awhile. I am going to have bouts like this of Diverticulitis, but this time it just hit me all at once, little warning though, I probably would have discovered it a little earlier if I wasn’t so gung-ho for school and whatnot. So here I am in my second weekend, so very far behind in math that I cannot fathom being able to understand this new language of it. That old anxiety comes into play on so many levels, this is tough. The writing prep classes are all about career and goals and to be honest my goals are simple, go to college and find something that I can do for the next 10-15 years. I am only being realistic that I will probably not live past that anyways.

I want to cut and run, and stop fooling myself that this was even an attainable goal. I do not have the money or even the health to really get started in this and the government does not grant loans or give money to washouts. This round of diverticulitis, is also being buoyed by a renal cyst and infection plus where they removed some intestine a while back. So everything went poof swollen shut and I am just now a week and a half later being able to even pass gas, let alone anything else. Yeah, I know TMI, but as you know I am an open book.

I made it through a long shift in the school cafe on Friday. I couldn’t eat or take all of my meds if I was going to make it through and I barely did. With my blood sugar at zero, I had a fun night trying to slowly and painfully bring it back up. The toxicity of that exercise in stupid gumption one I don’t wish to repeat any time soon. I tried to grab a small snack of a thin slice of ham, only to have it rejected before I could get it down. Then all week in class, my antibiotics and my cognitive ability suffered over the 13 medications I had to swallow. I was doing great I thought until that happened and now I don’t know the extent or the direction it is going to take again. I can’t lose any more weight, I am emaciated enough at 148 pounds on this 6’2 frame. The other workers were not that enthused about me, or were in their own worlds, I was left to guess and wonder about some things. The timing of the little bits of business lost within the stocking of a food case. So many people running around and kind of lost in what I am responsible for. I get it, payback for missing Wednesday night because of my gut.

So I am going to go into the counselling center on Monday morning and discuss some of this with them before I drop my classes. I don’t need to be a burden to anyone else in my life and I don’t want to interfere with real lives and real students anxious to get ahead. I will just have to realize that some things are going to be out of reach and to scratch them off the bucket list as a whopping fail.

I guess I will always live by that uneducated moniker, and that fool for an audience. Unless this clears up soon, I won’t have to live by it much longer.

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