Learning, information, insights, and understanding, those are the things that I myself look for in my life. I am not the best at it, but I am the only one that can do it. In a world that I simply wanted to fit into, I have found out that fitting is a matter of embracing the things that don’t fit. It’s not about being someone else, just knowing what you are and what you want to do. Like anyone else I have always had dreams about my future, some self important stature of meaning and purpose. Anymore, I simply don’t care if I get to where I think I want to be, because as soon as I do that, I am halfway to somewhere else too. I am trying to place markers on my learning, how I do it, what I do well and what I don’t. I am meditating on the mindsets that have plagued me my entire life, the big dummy, the idiot, those things that are not based in reality, just someone else’s beliefs.

I am too hard on myself and that too is a point of contention. I have to be ok making mistakes as well as successes. Who cares what I don’t know or have forgotten, it’s about what, if anything I have left rolling around in there. There, I just did it again, demeaning myself again, even in print. I don’t mind being the butt of a joke, I should mind being a joke because I am thinking from my ass. So, with the tools I have now, which were not used before, I can reprogram myself through meditation and cognitive thinking practices. There was no secret to me why I wrote the paper I just did on the reptilian brain. This corrective thinking and concentrating is going to take full on brain power, and that is something that kind of scares me.

I know that I eat the whole elephant as much as possible, I eat way too fast and spin myself out of the mindset needed. The logical aspects of study, the math, the electronics and that kind of learning is requiring a part of my brain that is hard to stay in, it’s like holding your breath and trying  to do math underwater. I can do it more and more with each practice, but I have yet to be able to breathe like a fish. That student mentality is not something that wants to stick around in my head, the old man is winning out for the most part. Yes, I find it amazingly easy and strange at the same time to examine my minds, and to see which road the thought traveled from to get to the front of the line. That may make me odd or even weird, but I will take it, it’s fascinating, a heck of a lot better than the entertainment that they spew out on TV and such.

Yes, I will figure this part out too, or I won’t. I will be busy either way as far as I can see. Thinking about the mind as it learns, in all of its forms, in all of my states of play.

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