The colors of life are painting me into depths that challenge my wanting to share. My reaching is still there, but so unbalanced it is an embarrassment of epic proportions. I am noticing the patterns of creativity versus cogent thinking, the lazy unorganized portion really wants to take it all and leave me a goofy mess. The cogent and cognitive, the logical parts are screaming at the other side for some kind of representation. Somewhere in the middle of this an apathetic jester not knowing which one to trust and it’s always been that way.

I noticed something about my logical thinking processes as I try to learn different subjects. I will set myself up for failure and act as if I was just lucky if I succeed at all in any of it. I know it is the remnants of the big dummy, too stupid to do anything right from my past and yes, from my present as well. So instead of doing those things I know I can, I really know I can, I don’t do them because I know that even a little failure will leave me back to that dummy drumbeat. Even as I see it, understand it, and focus on it, it is taking time to get that out of my everyday thinking. This Summer is going to give me the opportunity to clear up again and get my head back in shape. These meds they have me on right now will be over soon and that will help.

I feel so bad that I messed up on my speech at the commencement for college. Here I was a virtual nobody and all of a sudden people wanted to hear about my story. I will say that I am now humbled and will appreciate the time to grow my beard and hide out under a hoodie going forward. No time to talk, just be a very quiet student that does his work. I figure I better not make waves if I am around there at all, not even enough to get noticed, I am good at ghosting out. Speaking of which makes it all pretty funny, I am future tripping about a future that I have about even odds of making it to living. My heart is not going to get better on its own and these last few months have felt very different from before. It will work, or it won’t, if it doesn’t try something else.

I know that no matter what happens I can always go back to my old life, a very small cog in a gear that goes nowhere. The things that I have to say are no different than the next guy, just maybe more nerdy. The pages will go dark, and my life will still breathe. If not here among the pages, then there among the clouds, energy for thought and a moment of a lifetime away.

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