The Smoothing Ripples

Turbulence is always going to be a part of life, mine is no different. I am finding myself at a point of great optimism and at the same time despair. Can I do it? Can I wholly become that new person physically and mentally? Last Summer was a good part of the answer, I was getting stronger and healthier. But when the time came to work again, I got sick and regressed physically again. That is telling me a whole bunch about how thin the veneer of health is on me really. It also is a testament to the better mindset that has come along with me. It was just a short pause, not a stopping point.

Every new year I make a plan to do it slowly and build up to things properly. I almost broke the pattern of doing the same old things last year, but had a relapse of the gut and a bad actor down there that had to come out. So, once again I am taking aim at doing things better this year than last, that imaginary starting gate of the new year, my guide. As of right now I am 151 pounds and pretty weak from a long few days in my porcelain office. I am not going to do a repeat of last year or the year before that. I have a new piece of paper for this story and I am going to do it better, not right, just better. There is a lot of work to do, and the beginnings of everything have to start somewhere.

The main thing I am asserting myself in is making myself better all around. Work on mind through schooling and meditation. Work on body through nutrition much better than I have been, I am a sucker for routines, so why have so much trouble adapting to this kind? There is also that business of my integrity, running from paycheck to paycheck has left me with many debts and much work to do. That part of my integrity has to adjust as much as possible, I didn’t create this beast to watch it die, and me along with it. The creativity saved my life and showed me some purpose, it can and will do so again and I can feel it. Just a decision.

Every time the water of life is disturbed the ripples run off into the horizon. The unintended consequences out of sight and out of reach of feelings. I am still very young at even understanding my regular behaviors, let alone the ones that come with the terms of life attached. I am going to make a lot of mistakes, I am going to fall, but that ability to get myself back up is not going to be decided by others any longer, self preservation depends and demands that I haul my load or get off the boat.

People see me, they see me doing things that make them imagine I can do these things for long periods or for 40 hours a week. I am sad to say I cannot yet and need to build myself back up. Just because I am feeling better doesn’t mean that I am better and that is going to be a constant battle throughout all of this. I am feeling aware of my boundaries better and must respect them as they are, I must also push myself to find out how much better I really am. The rebound from a setback or failure is more costly to me than most, but the sense of being OK is still inside and I feel surrounded by the smoothing ripples.

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