In this time of deep examination of not just myself but of my environs, the natural tendency I have to go into the existential aspects of things come out. Like a drunk trying to stand upright with a VR headset and Riding the Roller Coaster app; It can be fun, it can upset my stomach; Like many it leaves me mostly just imagining the edges to the edgeless world before me. So in my best Sherlock’s Homie like attempt to tie these things together in some kind of comprehensible thought, I write them down to stop my minds from getting too tied up with it to not enjoy my days.
Defining a moment or a vast change in thinking is almost impossible to do. It is as individualistic and at the same time communal as anything else in life. So there is one aspect in which I would like to bring up first. A lot of time trying to define things so that they are acceptable or not to our conditions. The definitions change as we learn and develop new thinking and perspectives, more experiences and outcomes. So there is much wasted over-thought there about definitions, when we can hardly understand what our conditions are; That is something not taught to us.
I was at a weekly meeting I attend and the subject revolved around trust, our deep seeded mistrusts and our ego’s. In trying to look at this from the logical mind at the emotional and spiritual aspects of trust and development, in other words; Where did it really get mixed up? One of my thoughts was about my early childhood memories and thoughts about church, and about God. They were the epitome of hypocritical to my early mind. In speaking with many others on this topic as well; I was not at all alone. They asked for the the actions and the duty and the work; Tangible earthly things. They promised glorious rewards and forgiveness, love everlasting; but castigated much of what we were doing. I did not see forgiveness from the corner, I did not feel the love of the condemnation, I could feel the spirit… and it scared me. My big question growing up was; Why did my Mom and Dad think that was good for me? What did I do to deserve that? A wetlands for the growth of mistrust and doubts about a higher power; The hypocrisy to that very core of your being. That eight year old child that was made aware and then fell numb and confused by the real world consequences.
In looking back on this as I go forward, understanding my history, I don’t know is OK for a lot of things. Just like a lot of other people though I think those questions of self, and of discovery and of fulfillment are the enduring ones we keep and hold fast to. Those vary wildly and are nuanced and blatant, some a common thread or concept like this one. Some a deep rabbit hole into the personal hells and minds of those affected. In page 309 of the Big Book, Edition 4, there is a passage that sums up a lot of what I am trying to get at. A condemnation and contempt prior to investigation of the very heart of our beings, our souls, and it begins before we even understand the world and continues our entire lives in many of the cases.
“If you saw who I really was, you would turn away in disgust or use my many weaknesses to destroy me. One way or another I was convinced that I would be hurt.”
To begin with I wonder when we form our belief systems at an early age? I can remember when I knew or kind of understood things; Yet where did all of this seep into the folds of us? This childlike demon of sorts made up of condemnations and ecstatic freedoms. Religion is but one area of this and in my case it was problematic. I was a being of love and simply understood love and quickly understood not-love. To try to confuse my being with who and why to love is pretty self-righteous if you ask me. One of the best lines I have ever heard in the rooms is one that reminds Parents that they are not their children’s Higher Power, They are not their God… To the consternation of some, that was akin to blasphemy. My parents were my guardians, and my teachers, they never tried to be my Higher Power or lord over me as a deity of some kind. They did what they could and what was directed to them to do by society and principles handed down to them. How many folks do you know who eat Gluten Free foods? Including the other things that people do in a culturally and societal herd without notice.
I found in my examinations though the beginnings of the different expectations. What I have not found is the other correlations into the manner in which they manifested and grew, morphed and developed; I am still hard at work on it all. I am just marking my spot with a note to look back on later. It is seldom disappointing to look back at thoughts such as these and laugh at the absurdity or agreement later on. So in carrying this to those other aspects of this brain scan that I go through at times, those themes of mistrust and of a society run amok get carried over to the other areas of my psyche, my issues, my predisposed integrity.
I brought that thought along with me when it comes to relationships. Not the personal kind, but just that of the everyday person, those friends and those I interact with in all mediums. The belief system that has come to nest and to mold and to atrophy, the belief system of being terminally unique and just the same at the same time. Those friends on the other side of the political spectrum, or coming from a different religious slant. Those friends that say they agree with the message, just not how to go about it.