Ways to Light Within
There are always going to be questions, always a wondering why. There is evidence more and more that the brain is like a muscle and gets stronger and more capable with use. It is even better it seems when examining why the brain goes places where the light and darkness of a day begins.
The shadow of the projectionist is one way I have described it. The thought before the thought, the spark out of millions that create the fire. Like why I am trying to write this as they are splitting logs with a noisy machine less than 20 feet from my desk?
I don’t know appears to be the thought of the day and there is so much room for it. As my desk is vibrating from the machine’s motor my thoughts are jiggling around in there like jumping beans. In that controlled quantum like state of the fizzing of soda bubbles I find the peace in not knowing. Knowing is not a friend all of the time, in fact, knowing screws us all up. Knowing gives us a choice and a lot of the time we put that into good and bad columns. Good and bad columns allow us to attach labels to actions and even people on those “sides.” I don’t know is a good way for me to look at all of this and I can tell you that when I did find out. It was better than I ever could have “known.”
So you stack up enough of these labels, either good or bad and gravity starts to take hold. Your experiences shift a few of them from pile to pile, but they are both leaning and all screwed up. So you go through them every now and then and try to organize them because you have some things to slap them on. As you get older and you have plenty of labels, some get reckless with them. They do not examine the subject or person, they just go to the first one that somehow fits. It is a real stretch at times but we would rather do that than admit or engulf the idea that we just don’t know.
The reason all of this comes up is the basis for the fears many have are founded upon their belief that they know what will happen, what course of events will occur. Short of physics, touch this and get burned kind of things, we just don’t. To many a folk their lives are made up of expectations of others and what others are thinking or doing at any given moment. Of course we are selfish and self centered so we think that they are calculating actions against or for us, but that is far from reality. Yes, the folly of the societal and instinctual actions on the mind is getting really out of hand. The grandest marketers have won out for centuries, and the newer ones are taking the lead. At this point in life I do not mind at all in saying, I don’t know, it is the opening in the brick wall of everything, that leaves room for reality, entertains my sensibilities, and instructs me on the most important part of my journey. To share my stories of my travels, to find ways to light within, and to live, in peace.
This is me, I found this and it literally made me cry I was so relieved.
After years of looking for answers about myself, I have found them. Being called talented, bright, and overly sensitive over the years has not been easy, or even wanted. That whole line about just being normal played over and over in my head my entire life. Turns out that not is it normal, but classically so to people like myself who are what is called “Gifted.”
After doing much research into the subject I found out it carries a few other names. Some associate to Highly Sensitive People (HSP’s) Others the INTJ personality from the Briggs-Meyer test, and still others into the Highly Creative and Talented area. It is genetic and about 20% of the population carries this gene, it causes higher cognitive and intellectual processes but also asymmetrical development in the emotional and social areas as well. People who have this experience deeper emotions, breadth and depths of thoughts and literally think differently than others. They are highly attuned to their environments and can be overstimulated easily by many factors. They are bright but usually misunderstood by those around them and thus close off out of differences. They recharge their batteries by being alone with their thoughts and that can be seen as anti-social. The gene has names like the Edison gene, and X2, amongst others. There are ups and downs with this and I will have to adjust my thinking accordingly now that I know what to look for. It’s kind of like alcoholism, if you don’t know you have it or do things because of it, you can’t do much about it then.
If any of you know me in real life then you will recognize these traits immediately. If not, know that they create a great portion of my personality. This is just one of many charts and graphs that have lead me to my “discovery.” More can be found here:
I didn’t just find something and call it mine, this is no accident. I am just shy of 49 years old, and the burning questions of self that have been baffling me for years led me to this. I looked into my story, my life and my experiences and they all led me to this. This is a dream come true and an affirmation of the very nature of my being. I could not be more pleased, nor at the same time more frozen with fear.
I have tried to convey this to others in a fellowship that I belong to only to be met with raised eyebrows and a’huh’s. I am beside myself at what to do when it comes to groups now, especially this one. I have always felt that I was different and not part of the group and now I am telling them that I really am different. I know I will have few if any to talk to going forward, I have sewn on my own scarlet letter. But it is at least a truth about me one that I say straight to their eyes.
There will be blood tests, and more assessment tests, but I am not at all wondering what they will find. The curious thing is developing myself further now, which direction should I take. I know that writing has something to do with it and I think I will stick to it. It is the only way I can communicate the feelings I feel, and the soul that lies inside to most others. A friend said that when I give of me and share of me that is how I show my love for people. That is surely true and one of the first things I found out about this gifted stuff. I wish I could trade it all away and be like everyone else, maybe popular even and one of the gang, but the main thing I learned is that it is mostly a painful and lonely existence. It has been up to now, even through some great times, I just hope I learn enough to change that.
There will be creating as never before, and an aversion to praise, more questions out of the blue, and social filters missing with awkward results. There will be wise insight and innocent wonder and there will be learning in a new way every….single….stinking…time even if I knew it before. Frustration at absurdities and others emotions carving up all too much of my energies for my liking.
Yeah, all of this is going to be fun and exciting as I learn new ways of developing my talents and plus sides. While at the same time mitigating the effects of my lopsided learning curves on society and others. In other words, I am a real piece of work. Those who have stood by me this long must be saints because dealing with the same pack of mules day in and day out would kill most folk.
Esteem issues will always hinder me and I will have to get better at that to be sure. I will always be sensitive, and it’s not about growing a thicker skin issue at all. I value honesty and reason above all else and am loyal to those that just tell me that I am being a little prick, or a big one.
I find I have a kindred soul in Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, I am at home in order, in my own head and own fields of interests. They are varied and seemingly unconnected and usually in some niche area of interest. In those parameters I am at my creative and thinking best, over the years I have developed methods to use when outside of those parameters. The reason I feel so different when I put on my extrovert suit is that I literally am being different. I have to slow down my speech, filter my responses many times, and narrow my thought processes to effectively communicate. Society is built by and for extroverts, it’s what you do that’s important mantra. I am a divergent so to speak, I cross platforms, but I do not fit well into society’s box. Over the years though, through substance abuse, self denial, and emotional issues brought about by this unknowing, I have apparently broken both sides of my psyche.
It is repairable and already the processes have a good footing, meditation and practice of being in the present were established years ago and are a part of my daily life. Gratitude for things just being the way they are and acceptance of that has begun and can now be used to deal with my own issues more thoroughly. Apologies for my ignorance of this is in some kind of order for many, and a promise to do better is one to start now for all, myself included. Because I am normal after all, just not your kind of normal, or theirs, or theirs.
I will try to keep up on this writing more, it drives me, and follow my progress through this really odd but wonderful experience. There may be some magic still left in this world, we need it now more than ever.
It seems I should have done more research about this “Gifted” business. The first lesson I learned is don’t tell anyone you don’t have to. People will immediately use it to label and box you in as being mentally ill, have Asperger’s or Autism. Their level of empathy and understanding of it will seem completely asinine, and they will use it to attack your character as well. It has been a heck of a week with someone passing that hit me harder than I knew, my wife losing her job and my beloved cat/son going missing for two days, but coming home on my birthday. Yeah, I had one of those again.
So as I write this on my “blog” with 500 some odd page views ( all but maybe one being me.) I am keeping it to myself for now on. I wrote myself a little checklist to correct some thinking and some long term goals for all of this.
I am going through the opposite of writers block, writers flood so to speak. It is crossing into all areas and like I have stated before, something about all of this involves writing I am sure. Solving a mystery is invigorating, solving one your own though always seems to leave more questions than answers. Like the one where I wonder who in the heck is ever going to read this.
So I have decided to spend more time on here writing little article pieces, please my God they are just my opinions and observations. More stories about anything because so much minutia and other particulates of thought perk through and something might actually turn out to be decent. I have to get more of my lyrics/words written down and learn how to write a lyric sheet properly. I am so lost but even more determined than ever to see this writing thing as my ultimate creative playground, if for nobody else than myself. My understanding of why I shun praise now has changed and it makes complete sense. I may believe that I can write, but that does not make me a “writer” for they are the masters of the trade and I am but an imp on a log.
I am opinionated, and few understand me in real life. So I will use this platform to bitch and moan a bit about the injustices I see in the world, media, and sexism, as just a warning. I will write about spirituality and the challenges and rewards of being a sober adult. My views are freaking wild and varied and some will be left baffled, but I carry an open mind and open heart and welcome being wrong, I learn a lot that way.
Renaissance man, or modern day Bard, Lunatic or Mage. Aristotle is quoted “No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” I do not claim to have a great mind, but where is the harm in finding out? A treasure hunter of the human condition, whose rewards cannot be seen, but felt, and rise to race amongst the stars.
I have to wonder what this writing bug that has inhabited my entire life means in the long run. I guess that is my very issue, always having to find out what things mean in the long run.
I know that I have a compelling and ethereal connection to writing, it allows me to slow down the processes that my brain uses to observe things. It allows me to communicate in a way that more people can connect to than my speaking for certain. The real issue is that since my interests are so varied the things that I like to write about are less than compelling for anyone to read. I find this quite funny actually, but at the same time leaving my emotional “needs” in a horrible spot.
So while I want to burn up the keyboard with piece after piece of opinions and thoughts, I don’t out of indifference to the necessity of it all really? In the long run…there it is again.
I really hope that there is some kind of purpose for writing this blog, hopefully I can look back at it one day and learn or laugh at it and myself. I am finding things to work on all of the time, like not trying to explain myself, and trying not to pick up others emotions. I will act unconsciously to those emotions if I detect them. So I am working on that filter system, right now it is either all on or all off, and that keeps my head spinning. So the Second lesson is letting go of seemingly having to explain myself or understand everything all of the time. I don’t know is ok, but on a whole new level.